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| We Won, We Won,and if u don't know wat i'm typing about u must be crazy.So i'll tell all u crazy people......We won the football game last night by 6. the score was 33(crutch's #) to 27 (?#). It was a really close game they actually had to go into overtime.It was so cool.And now for a joke.
Joke #1
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The
bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I
show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a
drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls
out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to
the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano,
jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And
the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything
like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The
guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He
puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a
marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from
the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him
$300 for the frog.
The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and
gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You
sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions.
You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist." | | |
| Joke #1
Dear Mom and Dad:
Since I left for college I have been remiss in writing and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital, and since I have nowhere to live because of the burned-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning on getting married. We haven't got the date exactly yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know that you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and, although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by that.
Now that I have brought you up to date,I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire,I did not have a concussion or skull fracture,I was not in the hospital,I am not pregnant,I
am not engaged,I am not infected and there is no boyfriend in my life. However,I am getting a D inCalculus and F inChemistry and I want you to see those marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter, Susie
Joke #2
Interesting Facts
*The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable
as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can
sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star
Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he
was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many
bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the
state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate
toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches
for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every
Dewey-decimal category.
* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New
York City, after the Catholic Church.
* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer
wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could
run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and
about a gallon to clean the pot.
* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been
domesticated.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until
the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest
point in Colorado.
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you
have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able to make change for a dollar.
* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all
of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium
has ever won a Superbowl
* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To
Beaver".
* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt
down but only 6 people were injured
* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because
cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers --they
saw it as competition.
* The only two days of the year in which there are no
professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day
before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
* The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan" | | |
| Joke #1
OXYMORONS...
Act naturally Found missing Resident alien Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation Safe sex Airline food Good grief Same
difference Almost exactly Government organization Sanitary
landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British
fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Microsoft
Works Soft rock Butt head Military intelligence Software
documentation California culture New classic Sweet sorrow
Childproof "Now, then ..." Synthetic natural gas Christian
Scientists Passive aggression Taped live Clearly
misunderstood Peace force Temporary tax increase Computer
jock Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security
Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Rap music Working
vacation Exact estimate Religious tolerance
Well the first day of school was uuuuuhg but it wasn't bad just boring.Tommorrow may be better. | | |
| Joke #2
A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being
called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to
prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or
something?"
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up
for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde
comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a
dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He
says "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy!
It's M!"
| | |
| Joke #1
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande
from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward
was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger
decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced
the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put
his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're
under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your
brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't
speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted
out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in
back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't
dare shoot me!'"
Joke #2
10 Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the
first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the
bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream
and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of
"rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a
world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident
that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble,
he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're
really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they
call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man
during play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the
morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. | | |
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